A Declaration over Fear

I’m going to go out on a limb tonight. Be vulnerable. Tell a story that isn’t finished yet.

I’m struggling with fear today. Like tennis shoes in the dryer, my worries and anxieties are tumbling around in my head, making an awful commotion, and robbing me of peace.

dryer 1

It’s time to confront it. This post is a declaration over fear. 

Moving overseas is exciting. It’s fun to look into the future, to think about change, to pray for new opportunities, and to think about new possibilities. But there is a ton of completely un-fun things that have to be done to make it happen, and we are knee-deep in all of that right now, getting ready for our move back to Togo in October.

Bank accounts and 52-card pickupMoving overseas throws your finances into a state of turmoil that can only be compared to a toddler playing 52-card pickup. Money you don’t have buys things you really need, against the hope that the things you don’t need will sell for a fair price. This happens on a COLOSSAL scale. Seriously, it makes me a little ill to think about the cash flow right now.

{thump, thump, thump} Can you hear the shoes in the dryer? It’s fear.

The sale of a home- about as pleasant as a colonoscopy. Our home has been on the market since February. (Technically, it’s been on the market since last September, but we took it off for a few months over the holidays since nobody was looking at it anyway.) Summer is now waning, and so are our showings and potential buyers. Our realtor has waited until now to conclude that we might be overpriced and that a good price is actually much lower than we can go. Just as she announced this to us, our neighbors put their house on the market and it sold in nine days. We have to leave in 90 days, and we don’t know if ours will sell, we don’t know if it will rent, if it rents, we don’t know if it will rent for enough to cover our mortgage payment. We don’t know. And so another pair of shoes tumbles about in the dryer.

{thump. THUD. thump. THUD} Fear, knocking about.

The children staying behind. This, all by itself, is enough to send the stress levels soaring. For the first time in our lives, we are moving overseas and leaving our children behind. In 90 days, we will officially be empty-nesters.  One of our children will be a freshman at a university. She has a plan and a place to go. There will details to work out, but overall, we aren’t worried. The other child  is trying to launch into adulthood and we are taking away his safety net. He has been working hard to find a job, with no luck. He has applied everywhere any of us can think to send him and still nothing has turned up. In 90-days, he has to be self-sufficient. We won’t be here to help him with groceries and gas, or even to provide a bed to sleep in. What is the immediate future for him? This isn’t another pair of tennis shoes in the dryer. Someone threw a pair of boots in there.

{thump. THUD. CRASH! thump. THUD. CRASH!} The fear is real and it’s destroying my peace.  

very-noisy-t11858

This afternoon, as I was driving home, listening to the shoes tumbling in the dryer, I had a quiet thought. “What if I’m only one day away from my answer? What if I knew right now what God was going to do to solve these problems? Would I still be so worried if I knew it would all go away tomorrow? Or if I knew how He was going to solve it?”

And then, “Do I need to know how He is going to solve it?”

No. I don’t. I only need to know that  my God WILL NOT FAIL ME. I don’t know when He will do it. I don’t know how He will do it. But I know He will do it, because He has promised to meet all my needs and He is ultimately and undeniably trustworthy. He might do it all in one big gigantic miracle. It’s happened before. He might do it bit by bit, in small ways, like the pieces of a jigsaw puzzle falling together. Although I haven’t written yet about one of those, He’s done that before as well. And so, like the father of the boy healed of an evil spirit, I exclaim, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!” (Mark 9:24 NIV)

This is my declaration over my fear. In 90 days or less, I will tell you the ending to this story.  Because God can do it, and I’m publicly declaring that He will.

“Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work wtihin us, to him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.” Ephesians 3:20. (NIV) 

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